A Pillow Book from the Land of Artichokes

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Disconcerting Things

It is highly disconcerting when the plumbing in one's apartment, which is undoubtedly old and a bit peevish, makes ominous gurgling and clunking noises -- when soapy water and bits of lettuce come bubbling up in one's sink every time the neighbor washes his dishes, and one hears a thumping glug glug in the bathroom drain each time one flushes one's toilet. Furthermore, it is heartstoppingly disconcerting to have to watch the toilet bowl swirl higher and higher . . . and higher . . . everytime one makes Number Two and wonder if it's going to overflow -- particularly when one is notorious for having poor coping skills when it comes to overflowing toilets -- frequently going into full-blown emotional meltdown while plotting to break one's lease and move into a different apartment in the middle of the night.

It is also decidedly disconcerting when one's cat ensconces himself in an aerial perch, leans over, and then deliberately vomits on the floor from a height. Not only is the amplified resonance of splattering cat puke hitting the floor disconcerting, but one must also wonder, What is he thinking? He contemplates his handiwork as if he were terrifically pleased with himself and one can't help but feel that maybe he's just not right.

When one finds a fuzzy, jet-black spider with a pretty crimson triangle on its back in one's kitchen it is entirely disconcerting because one can't ever remember if Black Widow Spiders have red triangles on their bellies or their backs. One considers hopping onto the internet to check and see, but doesn't necessarily want to lose track of said spider in the meantime and have a Black Widow Spider, ersatz or otherwise, meandering about unchecked in the house. As one is very fond of spiders, though, killing it is not a viable option, so one gingerly slides a piece of paper under it . . . at which point, it begins to jump about in a spry, unpredictable fashion . . . and one has to hustle it out the front door and into the garden foliage with a distinct sense of unease.

Forgetting to take one's Wellbutrin for several days is bound to produce disconcerting results sooner or later.

A cat with a dingleberry appended to its bunghole, who then deduces that the best solution is to try and outrun the dingleberry, makes a disconcerting spectacle of itself.

When one's ex happens to be in town and decides to drop by unannounced (How the fuck did she find out one's new address?!?!), and then proceeds to (1) grill one relentlessly for a solid half-hour about the person one's currently seeing; (2) describe everyone she's been sleeping with that she wasn't really attracted to (adding that she's now realized all her recent relationship problems (we would presume this would also include nightmarish relationship with Yours Truly) are caused by the fact that she always ends up sleeping with people she's not at all attracted to, but hey, she's really working on trying not to do that anymore); (3) confess that she was actually in love with her ex the entire time one was involved with her; and then (4) suggest that maybe one would like to sleep with her while she's town. So okay . . . she's just rather awful and immature, and pretty much appallingly unbearable, but that's not even the part that one finds particularly disconcerting at this point in time . . . it's the fact that one was ever involved with her in the first place that is now, retrospectively -- and disconcertingly -- humiliating. Doh! one wants to yelp, smacking self in forehead with palm of hand, a la the V-8 commercial. What was I thinking?! one wants to yell into the cold night air.

It is disconcerting when the head of one's favorite mounted Yellow Stag Beetle (Odontolabis Femoralis) falls off and has to be glued back on with Super Glue.

And finally, one finds it disconcerting to learn that when emotionally upset, octopi will cannibalize themselves . . . chewing off an entire leg or parts of a leg sometimes. Autophagy, it's called. Perhaps they're off their Wellbutrin too.

Posted by Artichoke Heart | 2:55 AM |