A Pillow Book from the Land of Artichokes

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Fragments of Phone Conversation With My Japanese Mother

Regarding Voice Mail

JM: Where you been? I been calling, calling, calling. All week long, we been calling. And why you set answer machine so no ring? Answer machine pick up right away and then we have to pay for long distance. Make me so mad! You need set answer machine different so don't pick up right away.

AH: Mom, I keep telling you it's voice-mail, not an answering machine. When it goes straight to voice-mail it means I'm either on the phone already or on the computer. Just leave me a message and I'll know you've been trying to get a hold of me . . . I mean, think of it this way, you've already paid for the first minute of long distance anyway at that point, so you might as well leave a message instead of just hanging up.

JM: Yeah . . . we get so worry, we finally have to leave message yesterday. But see, you never call us back.

AH: I'm calling you back now. When I got the message yesterday it was too late to telephone.

JM: Well . . . it's too late now. Your father already gone sage grouse hunting so he not here. You call again tomorrow when he come back. Make sure use secret code and only ring twice so we know it's you.

Regarding Sexual Orientation

AH: Mom, I'm a lesbian.

JM: No you not

Regarding Sexual Orientation . . . Six Months Later

JM: [During conversation regarding a male friend]. Is there some monkey business going on between you two?

AH: Mom . . . I'm a lesbian.

JM: No you not.

AH: Yes . . . I am. I've been telling you this for awhile now.

JM: You mean . . . you one of . . . them?

AH: Well, the official paperwork and secret decoder ring haven't come in the mail yet, but my sponsor already got the free toaster oven for signing me up.

JM: No . . . you wait until you have tenure!

Regarding Sexual Orientation . . . One Year Later . . . In Which My Japanese Mother Actually Says the Words "You" and "Lesbian" Out Loud in the Same Sentence

JM: [In a jokey mood.] Maybe I send you video on how to marry Millionaire Man.

AH: Mom! I'm a dyke!

JM: Well, you must make sure to never ever tell anyone about way you are. You don't need to advertise to anybody that you lesbian.

On Eating At Restaurants

JM: If you eating at restaurant and you start get full, make sure you pick out all expensive bits and eat first.

On West Nile Virus

JM: We been so worry I can't sleep at night. News say West Nile Virus coming straight to you. You have to promise you not going to go outside at night. And if somebody invite you on picnic, just say no. And make sure wear long sleeve and long pants and tie scarf on head, then spray all over with mosquito spray if you go out. Best thing not to go out though. Just stay inside house.

Posted by Artichoke Heart | 1:44 AM |