MAKURA NO SOSHI: A WOMAN WHO LOVES INSECTS
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Sunday, June 27, 2004
(BECAUSE IT'S BEEN AWHILE) CONVERSATIONS WITH MY JAPANESE MOTHER

West Nile Virus Heading Straight for Me!:

JM: Since you don't watch television, you don't know any news going on. You say you get news on computer, but I don't believe you . . . I don't think computer tell you important thing you need to know.

AH: Oh, yeah? Like what?

JM: You don't know West Nile Virus heading straight for you!

AH: Again??

JM: Don't be tonkachi head and make joke. It not funny. I know how you are . . . you get invite someplace and even if outside and at night you go anyway and then stand around all stupid and let mosquito bite you to death!

AH: There is this thing called mosquito repellent . . .

JM: [Interrupting my treatise on mosquito repellent.] Oh, you such big talker, aren't you? But I don't think you know how to use properly. Plus you have to get the DEET! And I don't think you know how to get the one with the DEET. I so worry!

AH: [Because I'm evil.] Well, you're probably right . . . plus you know, my friend John got West Nile Virus last summer. And one of the English grad students, too. And there are birds dying on the sidewalks. It's obviously heading straight for me, and it's only a matter of time now . . . so I say, bring on the meningitis!

JM: Don't be smart aleck! And don't come cry to me when your brain all swell up!


Physical Fitness Expert:

JM: How much paying for go your exercise place?

AH: $29.99 a month.

JM: Good grief! Who you think you are? Some kind of Rockefeller? Anyway, you better go lots so get your money worth. How many times week you going?

AH: About five. Five times a week.

JM: Only five? You such waste money! You better go every day!

AH: They're only open six days a week.

JM: Well, then you better go at least twice a day every day. Besides, I don't think you get any good exercise only thirty minute total and thirty second on each machine. Only thirty second do nothing! You got to go twice a day . . . maybe even three time. And ride bike to go there. And go swimming too. Otherwise do you no good. And you end up get diabetes.


Tom Da-shi is a Bad, Bad Man:

JM: Tom Daschle [pronounced Da-shi] is bad, bad man.

AH: What are you talking about?

JM: Oh . . . I forgot. You not Republican, are you?


Bore to Death:

[After bone-curdlingly disastrous X-mas visit from the Canadian Dyke last December]

JM: How your visit go with you know who . . . your friend?

AH: Horrible, actually. It went so badly I had to break up with her.

JM: Must be because she was bore to death.


Cunts:

[Upon hearing about the editorial kafuffle at the literary magazine this spring. (It should also be noted that my Japanese mother does not, I'm pretty sure, have any idea what the word "cunt" actually means.)]

JM: Who she think she is? Try to send out magazine without you permission when you the one who editor that issue.

AH: Yeah, I know . . . she's a cunt.

JM: Yeah . . . she big cunt!
Posted by Artichoke Heart | 9:55 PM |
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